May 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

I think, today, it’s a time to be brave. I have a job interview. Friday. 4:15pm. Right after my last day of clinical at my current site. I am a bundle of shaky nerves; I was jumpy and distracted and overwhelmed today to say the least. At my worst. At my best I can control myself with positive thoughts and bible verses. I printed out this quote yesterday by someone that said something to the effect of (paraphrasing) “stress is best controlled when we are able to change our thoughts” so that’s what I’ve worked on today. That and a good jog this morning to clear my head.

Which is so full. Job and clinical and cleaning my house, plus keeping in shape and studying for boards. This has all sapped my energy. Which makes me feel weak, because I know there are people out there who go to med school, have a family, and keep a side job as well as volunteer in the community and help the homeless. And I struggle just to drag myself out of bed to put in an hour of study before work. But struggle I do. 

I know life is a process; I know it’s good for me to do things I don’t want to do, and I also know that things are worse in my head (usually) than they are in real life. And everything is overwhelming when you’re tired. So I don’t know, maybe I just need a good night’s sleep and some good coffee in the morning. But tonight, right now, I’m…tired.

Do I want this job? Probably. Would it be the end of the world if I failed this interview miserably, cried on my way out the door, and didn’t get it? Nope. There are other jobs, other interviews, other opportunities. But this is my 1st. It’s starting. And from here on out it will get easier. But for the next 2.5 days, I’ll be nervous and scared and trying so hard to muster up confidence that I really don’t feel. 

Where does confidence come from? I’ve always wanted it. I’ve met many women who have a confidence, not the in-your-face brashness that comes from being overbearing and self-absorbed. But more, the quiet, sweet spirit that demonstrates contentedness in life and with themselves. Where is that confidence, and where do I find it? I think that’s one of my great life questions. I question a lot of what I do, because of lack of confidence.

Should I have said that? Should I have done that? Should I do this? Should I go do that? Do they think I’m smart? Do they think I’m done? What should I do now? 

All the questions in my head. Life is difficult when you constantly ask questions that only you can answer. I covet, which I know is probably a sin but so be it, I covet confidence.I fake it. And maybe that’s all it takes. Just faking it until you get there. But it’s hard to continue to fake something when you know you’re a fraud; when you know it’s not really there, it gets fatiguing to the soul. 

I want to own my life. I’ve been reading a book by Kelle Hampton called “Bloom”. It’s fantastic. And she talks in this book a lot about rocking your life. Of taking what you’ve been given and using it in a fabulous way. And she’s right. I want to follow my heart. I want to make a difference. I want to be bold and confident and go in the direction of my dreams. I am what I am. Let’s do this. But those are just words to me right now. My spirit is tired. Tonight, I don’t want to be brave, I want to run away. Which is exactly the opposite of brave: “coward”. 

Tonight I feel like a coward. Positive thinking barely makes a dent, and my thoughts just run wild, and I’m so weary of worry.

Weary and worry. They go hand in hand, like two friends no-one wants to invite over, but end up sitting down and resting their feet on your coffee table and staying for drinks, because you’re too scared to kick them out. Get out, is what my head says. Get out and close the door on your way.

Because, damn it, I want to be there. I want to own it. I want to rock my fabulous life and be courageous while doing it. And all I hear in my head as I type this is “I look to the hills, from whence cometh my help”. And I’m reminded again of the verses I’ve repeated today. That soothe my soul like a calming balm. Joshua 1: 5-9- “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous!”. Philipians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about ANYTHING.” Isaiah 43- “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” 

And in reminding myself of these, I think I’ve answer my question. Where does confidence come from? Confidence comes from God. I am strong and courageous, because he is with me. He commanded me. He is there. Positive thinking is good. Prayerful thinking is better. I am weary, but “his yoke is easy, his burden is light.” I am worried but “Do not worry”. Today was hard. Tomorrow may be difficult. But I will try again, and hold myself with a confidence of knowing that God is with me. 



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