Spark

April 22, 2012 § Leave a comment

I bought some herbs today. 

Every year I buy some sort of living thing to try and foster it with love in my dark little apartment. My lavender 2 years ago sprouted a few long green stems, with not a purple spot to be seen. I stopped watering it around June and it all went in the trash by September. Last year I can’t recall exactly what I tried to grow, mainly because it never came up. Some sort of little blue flower I think. Seeds were buy 1 get 1 at walmart last year. I think I still have a few packets in my trunk that I never got around to.

So this year, It’s basil and, again, some lavender. I love lavender. The pretty light purple (lavender…) hue, the bunchiness (?) of it, the look of it in my green kitchen. And basil is just delicious. So there we go. 

I was tired today. I woke up early to do my sister’s hair for a wedding. The wedding was very cute, with a country western kind of theme. She was bridesmaid #3, and looked fabulous if I do say so myself. The bride was lovely, and it was such a sweet ceremony to mark the beginning of life-love. I haven’t always loved weddings, truthfully, but I’m starting to come around a bit. I don’t know if I’m getting soft in my old age 🙂 or what. But when I watched these two human beings exchange happy tears and pretty words it made me smile. I tried to remember when I did that a year and 9 months ago, but that day is such a blur. I remember candles and exhaustion and a long sermon that talked about some sort of Roman history (it was our pastor’s first wedding…) and I remember my back was killing me and I really wanted to sit down. And I remember feeling happy it was finally here. But, my wedding is a different story for a different day. 

Like I said, I was tired. On Sundays, everything piles on. The thought of work tomorrow, and having to get ready to treat patients and make calls, with the added on pressure of needing to study for boards. I took this week off from studying, and it was fantastic! But, back to the grind. And, my 4th clinical cancelled and we’ve been trying to sort out some sort of alternate placement, but it’s getting discouraging. And that’s just the word I think. Discouraging. Overwhelming. Tiring. 

And so after the wedding I took a nap. And I woke up more rested, but still discouraged. So I took the car and went to Taco Bell, got a burrito (wedding food is never filling enough right??), and went to the park to chat it out with God. Truthfully, we didn’t get very far, but I poured out some frustration and ate some cheesy goodness, and then drove home feeling a little bit more full and a little bit more relaxed. And then I kept going. I studied up on sacral dysfunctions and special tests and went to Horrocks to run some errands, and just kept going. 

It’s this spark. It flickers all the time. Sometimes the flames of motivation burn inside me, and these are the times that I study hard, clean the kitchen, and jog 3.3 miles. And sometimes, like today. it almost burns out, and flickers off and on, and all I wanna do is watch golden girl reruns. 

But I guess maybe if these days balance each other out, it’s okay. Sometimes a body needs to rest. And sometimes it’s good enough just to try your best and buy herbs. Image

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