January 3, 2012 § Leave a comment
School starts in 6 days.
It started Sunday- waking up with that dreaded feeling of break almost being over. On the one hand, I’m glad I won’t be lazy any more, because let’s be honest- besides one day of intensive cleaning, I have not gotten a lot done.
But, on the other, I love it when my sisters are home and my husband is off in the evenings, and I can just be. When I look back at everything that’s happened this last month, it has been lovely. And I am sad.
I struggle with this a lot. This sapping of my spirit. Not to sound dramatic. But you know how your life is sailing along at a wonderful pace and then wham! ? That’s how going back to school after a break feels. Because this is what I love. Being with my husband. Spending time with my family. Going shopping. Sipping coffee and watching 30 rock on Netflix.
And this upcoming year is hard. I keep trying to come to terms with the fact that there are hurdles to conquer, and to mentally prepare. But every time I think of going on two more clinicals…two more awkward first weeks of not knowing anything. Two more experiences of feeling inadequate. Two more commutes And then boards. And then finding a job. And then getting good at that job.
But. This is where I struggle, and this is where I want to work on in my life. Yes, this year will be hard. But one thing at a time.
I have 3 months of seeing my friends, of a bit of clinical break coming up. And I will enjoy it. After that, Clinicals will fly, because they always do. After that, I will take and pass my boards. And after that I’ll find a great job with good benefits and wonderful people to train me, and I will settle in.
Do I want this all now? Yes. Is it part of my journey to learn to wait? Yes.
God tells us not to fear. Anything. Don’t worry about the future, Don’t fear hardships, Don’t fear even death. And if I’m not suppose to be afraid of death, I’m probably not suppose to worry about taking a test.
The following is from Matthew 6.
25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing,29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today”
There are weeks I read this daily. There are days I read this hourly. Because as simple as this passage is, it is the truth. My needs are taken care of. God will give me everything I need. It goes beyond what I will eat and drink. It goes to my career. It goes to my clinical placement. It goes to my marriage. In every aspect of life, God’s got it. Worry “dominate[s] the thoughts of unbelievers”. And I am not an unbeliever.
I can prepare for my tests. I can arrange my clinical placement. I can sign up for my boards. But will I spend today worrying about passing my test? Or worrying I won’t go to the place I want to? Or worrying I won’t make it through my boards? Or worrying I’ll be bad at my first job? No. Because I am called as a christian to let God handle it.
And He will. Sometimes I chastise myself by thinking “How dare you?” because really, How Dare I? How dare I worry about the future when God has proved himself over. and over. and over. and over. that He has my life in His hands and it all works for His glory.I know this because I see it in my life. over. and over. and over. I spent years miserable, because I couldn’t grasp this concept. But God is shaping me always, and I think today is a chance for me to try and get it right.
So even though today is one day closer to change, I think I’ll let God worry about it.